Like I use to do every morning is what you do every morning: I go to the John. But yesterday, I was asleep and I did not notice that the water refused to flow as well as it usually does. I am a hard head person. So I persisted. I never give up. And my wife knows a lot about me. Then she shouted:
– Sam, please, it is the tenth time you have been trying to flush the water! Stop it!
– There’s something choking the outflow. Probably your long blond hair…
– Shit! My fault again…
– You’ve got the right word: shit! That’s what we’ll have on the floor if I don’t find a solution to unblock the pipe.
– Call the plumber…
– He is my brother-in-law… I don’t like him giving his «best» advices for dummies…
– Do it yourself!
– Right!
I sank my arm in the toilet bowl. It was cold and nasty. But I had to do my job: maintaining the house.
– Damn it! Some hair.
– Hair? She asked me.
– Yes. A big bunch of hair.
I pulled out a fistful of hair. When I looked at it I was dazed: the hair was kind of salt and pepper.
I started to sing and old Beatles song.
It’s salt and pepper lonely Heart’s Club Band
We hope you will enjoy the show
It’s salt and pepper lonely Heart’s Club Band
Sit back and let the evening go
– Honey! Do you have a love affair? I asked.
– Are you crazy? She replied. Why?
– Well, the lover is getting old… The hair is almost white.
I sank my arm in the toilet bowl a second time. Deeply.
F…………./$%?!!
I pulled out a….head. But no body…
– Gee! Mister Harper, what are doing there?
It answered slowly:
– I am trying to save this country.
– What a way to do your job! Why didn’t you choose the shower?
– Because it’s a dirty job, he told me in a cordial tone.
– Yes, but just imagine that the floor is Canada. Do you realize all the shit overflowing the bowl?
I was holding IT. Disgusting: sweating all over, hair combed left to right, as straight as humid strikes stuck on his rounded cheeks.
Those strange blue eyes seemed to scrutinize me, but at the same time they were heading an empty world.
« Damn! Sounds like a Stephen King’s short story».
IT could read into my mind.
– It’s a long tory…
– Story?
– No. Tory…
– It’s a mulish way to speak… But what about the floor? I added.
– Canada?
– Yes, Canada.
– I’m not responsible… There’s someone else in the toilet.
– Who?
– Go to pick up some hair. You will see…
I put the head on the floor and still sank my arm into the bowl. I could not believe my eyes: another IT.
– Mr Dion! What are you doing there?
– Two heads are better than one, he said, grinning.
– To many heads for such a small hole can’t evacuate the shit. So, I’ll have to sort out this imbroglio or… rumpus.
– I am the best to run this country… ( Dion)
– You are already in the basement, so, what the use of staying here?
– I wanted to quit, but it is so narrow that we can’t be two heads: we were stuffed-up…
– Did you negotiate each other?
– He is lying, replied the other IT. ( Harper)
– Christmas is soon, I said. So if one of you quit, it will be a great gift for our democracy. And my floor…
– Quebec is only a carpet in Canada. The floor is large said the Dion IT.
– But you are a mule…Canada needs a horse, said the Harper IT.
– Stop it. I cut.
The two heads were confronting, shouting face to face, drooling angrily.
– Wow! Wow! When I say wow, I mean Wow. I guess I will put your IT into the trash can.
– Don’t do it they said in choeur. You must choose one of us.
– I am not sure about that. I am holding you two heads heading nowhere. Maybe I am able to decide where you should go.
– I got a good sense of humour, said the Dion IT.
– Prove it…
– Who is the Santa Clause’s wife?
– Mr Harper?
– I don’t know. This is stupid. Santa Clause never been married.
– Ah! Ah! Ah! He drives his sleighs in a green way…
– What is the answer? Mr Dion.
– Mary.
– Mary?
– Yes. Mary Christmas.
While I was bringing the two IT to the trash can, I could still hear them loudly discussing. It was a large plastic trash can. A black parliament…
– I can’t live here, said the Dion IT . I am going to die…
– One dead or two for millions of survivors, it’s a great deal. How about it? Mr Harper.
– Let the cover opened, so we at least see the stars, said Harper IT.
– Look at each others, both of you wanted to be a star. Stars feed the eyes, but don’t feed the Earth. Once under the ground, you will be the food of flowers Mr Dion. Isn’t it green?
– What about me? Asked Mr Harper.
– Dandelions are yellow…
***
– Did you succeed cleaning the toilet bowl? Asked my wife.
– Yes.
– How?
– Composting. The best way to be green … Je suis un bon mari
Un mari qui nettoye en profondeur : A Mari Usque ad Mare…
LA VIDURE 